DOJ Announces You Didnt See Any Of That [Video]

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WASHINGTON—Warning that sweet, innocent little Americans should know by now to mind their own business, a blood-drenched Attorney General Merrick Garland began a televised press conference Wednesday by telling the nation it didn’t see any of that. “Look, I don’t know what all 340 million of you think you just saw, but if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your mouth shut,” the Justice Department’s highest-ranking official said as he used a hand towel to wipe the blood from his face, politely asking U.S. residents how their families were doing, and remarking that it would be a genuine shame if something bad were to happen to them. “Now, I know this is a lot to process, so maybe we need to have a little drink together and make …